invisible...

Sometimes i over think things...

and right now...

i feel like i'm over thinking alot.

i just got back from a dinner with a lot of amazing people. 

i got there late so i sat at the end of the table..

and here's the thing...sometimes....i feel invisible. 

i feel like....i could spend a whole week with some of them..and none of them would say one word to me.

don't get me wrong..i'm not crying out for attention.

trust me on that one.

i just want to feel like i belong there.

I always overthink of how that girl is so cool...because that guy talks to her all the time...or....wow...i wish i could sing that good so people could compliment me. or man...if only i was....[[and yes..i'm going to say it]]..that beautiful.

i bring myself down a lot...and apparently tonight is one of those nights.

i want to fully believe that God has someone out there for me...i really do...but then i always overthink and look at a guy..and think..wow..i wish that was the guy God created for me...

I hate it. I really really hate it.

I wish i weren't so hard on myself..i really do...

I love life. But sometimes...i struggle....ok..a lot of times.

But on the bright side of life ... God is so good and so amazing. And I know the plan he has for me is better than i could ever think of...

but i just want to get to the point where i can say that without having any doubt...

one day.

I will be patient. In His timing..things will work out his way...not on my time.

:/ 

i dont know why i'm writing all this..i'm tired...and i just got home...and my mom wants me to do dishes..

seriously? :D 

peace readers.

So....Salt was good tonight.

i suck at connect 4 but somehow made it to the 3rd round...and the person i lost against won the entire thing. sad day.

but it was a good night. 

it was a ton of fun and probably the best salt i've had in awhile...

maybe because i'm feeling a little better about life. ha.

anywho. 

so tomorrow i'm not sure if i'm working in the morning or night. they said they would call me if i work in the morning. i really hope they do because if not...i work 1:30-9:30 ... and i have to miss the last church service in our current building before the big move. i will be pretty sad if that happens. :( 

i hate being home alone sometimes.

my mom has a 3rd shift job. 

and i get freaked out so easily because i am just that paranoid =]

sooo yeah. 

this is a random blog about nothing.

like usual.

night readers.

so its midnight.

and i'm on here.

i have to work at 8.

i really don't want to 

oh well...atleast i will be able to pay some of my bills.

:D 

peace readers.

Shawn McDonald-Open Me

Would You open up eyes, so I can see
Would You open up my ears, so I can hear
Would You open up my mind, so I can know
Would You open up my heart, so could love You more

I want to serve You, my God
I want to give everything
I want to serve You, my King, yeah
I want to serve You, my Lord
I want to give You everything, yeah

Here I am with my arms open wide
Asking for You to come up, up inside
Won't You make me new, won't You make me true
Jesus, won't You make me like You, oh

Will You touch my eyes so I can see
Will You touch my ears so I can hear
Will You touch my mind so I can know
Will You touch my heart so I can love You more

Won't You open me
Won't You open me, open me
Won't You open me, open me
Won't You open me, open me
Won't You open me, open me

----------------------------------------------

its been a good week.

and after that last post...i have been praying a lot.

sunday, the pastor gave a sermon on hope.

and that line in the last post just saying how i wanted to give up.

yeah, what was i thinking.

the sermon was almost a slap in the face.

and then the message at CRU last night and the message at InterVarsity last week...yeah....it's all coming back.

i am doing the whole lent thing...and i'm giving up facebook. its something that has consumed me so much. its taken over pretty much all my quiet time...and i just want to get back to where i was and continue to keep moving forward. 

God is good. 

so good. 

=]

just another day...

i want to give up.

pretty much on everything.

but i know...i can't ... i have to keep moving forward.

i want to choose the easy way out. the easier path. but i know the path that i need is the narrow one.[[matthew 7:13]]

ahhh. life is so damn crazy.

=/

anyway. i'm gong to go listen to 30 seconds to mars....go clean the rest of my room. finish unpacking. and then go to sleep. then...church in the morning. i..love...church. =]

And the feeling is back...

jfkls;fasfjf

i am no good at this life thing.

today i was trying to think about what life would be without God. Because of how i have been the last few weeks...life would honestly be hell without knowing there is a God who knows what I'm going through. Life would be hell if i didn't know there was this Satan dude trying knock me down because he knows I'm not strong enough to stand up for myself. I can't even think of not having a God there for me 24/7/365. I have been struggling with my confidence. A lot. Not fitting in. Not wanting to go to anything at church/InterVarsity/CRU...at all lately. But I go...and in the end it's a good time ..and then I just get home and I feel like crap again. I don't know. My friend Aimee had a talk with me tonight about it at worship team practice tonight. And one of the main lines that really caught my attention that she said was "Having no confidence is like having no confidence in Jesus Christ." I just sat there....it was kinda like a "whoa" moment. Like ... me? not having confidence in Jesus Christ???" NEVER! I didn't really know what to say to that. There is no way I want to live like that. 

So something's gotta change. Something's gotta be different. I want to be happy like i used to be. I want the joy that has been stolen from me from some evil dude. 

I dont know what to do.

I have a sick feeling in my stomach thinking about it.

So yesterday was amazing. I headed to the gas station before work and of course...just a few blocks away from it..i run out of gas. So i figured hmm..maybe I could just walk up there and get a gas can and put about a gallon in and then go fill up a little more. but no, i realized i had forgot my debit card. =/ So i sat there for about a half an hour(this was at 7:30am) and didn't know what to do. My phone is turned off again so I had no way to get ahold of my mom. But then i realized...my friend who is the president of intervarsity lives about a block away to where i was. so i walked there(leaving my car with the 4-ways on in the street about 3 feet from the curb :/) but she wasent up yet..so i walked back to my car. sat there..and tried to start it up again and that didnt work so about a half an hour later i walked to Jenn's house again and she answered and i used her phone..got ahold of my mom and she brought me a gas can and followed me to the gas station and filled my car up =] so that was fun..got to work an hour late. not so fun. so after work i donated plasma for the first time everrrr. it was about 3 hours. yeah. fun times. i had a needle in my arm for about 2 hours. ick. lol. but i plan on going back tomorrowwww. so CRU last night was amazing. it was on pride. i didn't realize how much i was struggling with that.. The construction for our new church building is going amazing! Worship night this sundayyy. And for the second sunday in a row i am missing church. Last week i worked at epworth for a retreat and this weekend is summit for intervarsity. i'm pretty excited. normally its in a hotel but this year its at a camp[[which will probably be much colder...and not a cool express elevator]] so yeah. thats how life is. =]