Change your thoughts and you change your world

So my friend let me borrow this book...and this book might be what I need to read. it's called God winks...I read half of it last night at starbucks but unfortunately they closed so I had to stop. It has stories of people who thought they could never accomplish anything..who were given the hope that they were going to fail...but after much hard work and dedication...have made it to the top. it's encouraging stories...but it talks about how it's because they had passions when they were younger...and that sparked what they are doing now.

See, when I was younger...my passion was helping people and singing..that's still what it is today...but where is it going??? Church, home, friends...but maybe it should go more extreme...somehow. So when I got home from Starbucks...I emailed the person in charge of Destiny Rescue...an organization to help end child trafficking...mainly in the areas of Thailand and Cambodia. I mean...that's extreme right? :) 

I'm tired of not being called back from jobs..or calling them and then not getting a call back "we will get back to you..." no you won't so don't get my hopes up! If there isn't a job except Arby's for me here then there has to be one somewhere else...and I want to find it..

Today I have a day off...I'm gonna try this job search thing again I guess....but first...I am going to the gym...running errands and spending time with my God..and of course getting ready for Passion...we leave Friday morning at 6:30am..

Not sure what to expect so I'm just going down with an open heart and an open mind. We'll see....I'm excited to see what God does.

I need to get to that gym ... 

"For we know that our old self was crucified with Him so that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin--because anyone who has died has been freed from sin." --- Romans 6:6-7

So the message at church this morning from Sherry was just like...wow...hello....that's what's wrong with me!!!! I'm so involved with my SELF and worrying about ME...and God is being tossed to the side except for when it's convient for Him to be noticed. Why am I doing this??? I could say it's from friends being not so great influence in my life...yet I feel like they are making me a better person...but are they? In what way...bettering myself...but what about bettering my relationship with God? Is that happening. I honestly can't say...I feel like my life has been a constant storm lately. I'm in a constant battle of how I feel...how I look...where God wants me. I'm praying for guidance...but am I listening? I'm struggling fitting in with people at church....I constantly ask myself why don't I get treated like her? What does she have that I don't that attracts so much attention. But maybe that's it...maybe I'm worrying so much about it that I'm not worthy of having that attention. I get verbally attacked by my Mom...my dad favors my twin sister more....i spent too much time worrying way too much...comparing myself...just digging the hole myself down to rock bottom. I need to spend some much needed time with God...I am almost wondering how I got there before...

I pray everyday all day long....I read the word.....I help other people out...I thank God everyday for the job that I have that I don't particularly enjoy...so what am I doing wrong??? Am I holding onto God .. but not letting go of all my stuff at the same time? I don't know....

Passion Conference is in 5 days...and I think my heart is in for a treat...

Strong Enough- Matthew West

So for Christmas today....it started out nice...got some good gifts...spent time with my mom, sister, and her boyfriend. then lunch/dinner came around...it was going sooo good. lots of laughter and good stories...then i mentioned getting something with my refund check...because it's been something i've needed...and then my mom comes up with...i don't think so...i need 500 dollars that you owe me (from random stuff that adds up differently every time somehow) .. and then more stuff keeps coming up....before I know it I'm getting attack after attack and I don't know what else to do besides be quiet and sit there....well it has come to this..I'm sitting in my room...on Christmas Day.....I'm crying...it's calmed down from the sobbing that was there...but I'm crying....

They say honor your mother and father. I try my best and when I do I get attacked on with words. These words are engraved in my head....these words that I should believe are lies...but are they? I mean...I really could lose weight...if I were smarter I really could get a better job than Arby's...and then I could make enough money to be responsible. I mean....are they lies? Or truths that need to be said in order for me to realize what I'm really looking at in the mirror?

This video .. it was sent at me in perfect timing ... and now I'm sharing it with you....

I'm learning so much this Christmas season. I'm broke and couldn't get any presents....but I got so many from my mom and sister. And of course...that just makes me feel like a failure...but so does having a job that entitles me asking "would you like fries with that?"

I'm struggling friends.

just pray...

All your pain
Will be made mine
All your troubles
The tears you cry
Give it up
All that binds
I will place it on my shoulders
And up this hill I’ll climb
Father, give me strength
I know there is no other way
I lay down my life for you
This is the moment when all will be made new
I know that you don’t understand
But this is part of a greater plan
So I lay down my life for you
This is love
That had to bleed
To bring you mercy
To set you free
You are mine
I am yours
And I will wear your burdens
Just like this crown of thorns
I will take your place
I know there is no other way
I lay down my life for you
This is the moment when all will be made new
I know that you don’t understand
But this is part of a greater plan
And I lay down my life for you
Give me all your pride
Give me all your fears
Give me all your secrets
Give me all your tears
Give me all you doubt
Give me all your shame
Watch them wash away
Watch them wash away
Give me all your pride
Give me all your fears
Give me all your secrets
Give me all your tears
Give me all you doubt
Give me all your shame
Watch them wash away
In Jesus’ name
I lay down my life for you
This is the moment when all will be made new
I know that you don’t understand
But this is part of a greater plan
And I lay down my life for you
Though I know that you don’t understand
These scars are part of a greater plan
And I lay down my life for you
Arms stretched out
Upon this tree
To show true love
To set you free

The Redeemer -- Sanctus Real

Sometimes I just wanna start over
Cuz everything looks like a wreck
And I need the courage to carry on
Cuz I cant see whats ahead

And there are places Ive wished I could be
Battles Ive wanted to win
Dreams that have slipped through my hands
I may never be back again

But Im still a dreamer
A believer
Oh, I lost my faith in so many things
But I still believe in You
Cuz You can make anything new

Sometimes I just wish we could say
All the things that are easy to hear
Ignore the injustice we see
And explain every unanswered prayer
But Id rather speak honestly
And wear a tattered heart on my sleeve
Cuz in the middle of my broken dreams
Redemption is here

And Im still a dreamer
A believer
Oh, I lost my faith in so many things
But I still believe in You
Cuz You are the answer
The Redeemer
Oh, Ive given up on too many things
But Im not giving up on You
Cuz You can make anything new

I dont have every answer in life
But Im trusting You one day at a time
Cuz You can make a weak heart stay alive
Forever
And this is where heaven and earth collide
I lift my hands, I give my life
This is how my weary heart stays alive

Oh, Im still a dreamer
Still a believer
And You are the answer
The Redeemer
Cuz You can make anything new
Yeah, You can make anything new

So much complaning!!

well the first thing on my mind…
Why as christians…do we complain so much. For me…I have been finding myself complaining much more lately. Back at camp..here at home..at work…especially at work. I’m always saying how much I hate my job but trust me…I am very thankful for it! God didn’t give me a job so I can wake up every morning and dread coming here…so why not have joy and be thankful for it? Easier said than done but its a work in progress. Arbys pisses me off pretty easily sometimes…that’s for sure. By the way…I’m actually posting this from work. Break time…so I thought I would do this. But yeah. Why DO we complain so much. I mean it even says in scripture(I want to say phillipians) that we shouldn’t complain. It’s so easy though. Why won’t my hair do what I want it to do? Why can’t I lose weight? Why can’t I find a better job? Why do we do the things we do?! It’s so simple to sit there and complain and throw pity parties. Why do we rely on our friends to try to make us feel better when we all do the same sympathetic things. How about we hand them over to God…because He can do much better things and he has the true answers to your questions! So with that.. I had more but…I’m going to go back to work…and try my best to be positive. And not complain. Because let me tell you what…if I get plenty of opportunities to practice patience. :)

Hillsong Live..and then the attack..

So wow...the last couple days were awesome. I got an awesome opportunity to go to Lexington, Kentucky with 6 other young adults and 1 youth from church. We went to see the Hillsong Live worship team. Not a Hillsong Concert. There is a difference. Anyway, we got to the church about 9:15 monday morning..and once everyone else finally got there ..we loaded up the van...and headed towards Lexington. We started off at the worst place ever to eat breakfast...or any meal...Mcdonald's. :) After that, we were on our way. It took about 3 hours for someone to speak up about having to use the bathroom. haha. We were made it down to southern IN and that's where you get to go through 3 states way too quickly...through OH..then back to IN..and then into KY haha. Once we got into Lexington, it was so beautiful...the buildings, houses, the scenery...it was all amazing. And then we got to the church and it was huge ... however the worship center we were in wasn't as big. haha. but the people we talked to said every sunday they get about 10,000 people. but anyway...we got to the hotel..settled down...got some wendys..and back to the church. We got there and there wasn't very many people in line so that was awesome. So Hillsong started out with Freedom is Here and it only got better from there. God's presence was definitely in that place...So after the worship..we went to IHOP..and for only 3 tables ... business was not too quick. We were asking for our bills before we got our food hahah. So after finally eating...we went to the hotel. Sleep was only looking promising for about 3 hours...i mean that's after you cut out the time of dealing with the youth that we brought. He decided to put shaving cream on our door....yeah. So not too long after going to bed we were waking up and getting ready to hit the road .. at 4:30am. I slept a little bit of the car ride but once it started getting light there was no hope haha. So the car ride home was good..we took the same road almost 200 miles .. with brakes that were pretty much going out...metal on metal. But the mini van survived and we made it home at about 10:30...and I had to work at 11. ha!

So onto the attack...

Ever get that awesome worship experience and then what do you know..the devil is knocking on your door the next day. Well yup...he came knocking and I pretty much just let him in...

Last night..after InterVarsity I went to the end of the small group i'm in at church. I was already super tired from pretty much no sleep but man...let me tell you what...the enemy could not hold back...trying to get to me by getting me to think that there's no way I belong at Envision. No one really likes me..they are just doint their christian duty of appreciating me and being my friend. And if I left...would I be noticed probably not. That's all that has been going through my head ever since last night. And of course I have a day off today so thinking is all I've been doing! Now the enemy is hopefully wrong...I'm pretty sure of it..but man...that's tough stuff to go against...especially when I've been gone all summer..and I come back and everyone tells me numerous times how good it is to have me back...but is it? and then today..my mom is just telling me all about her knee replacement surgery..and i'm not going to lie...my attitude was a little eh...why? because shes asking me to take all these days off so i can go to all these dr appts with her and then the surgery and then everyday i have to be home with her but SOMEHOW i'm supposed to be paying my bills AND her back for whatever she decides i owe her for...this is where i wish i would have grown up being best friends with my mom... :/ but anyway..i got called selfish by her to my face....and that's where i had to step back and ask..am i really being selfish? hmm...i dont know. i really don't know..

all this .. on top of realizing... that guy from camp. yeah...he doesn't talk to me anymore. camp can come back anytime please! oh well. why am i worrying about stupid stuff.....i need some Jesus.... :)

Maybe one worth reading...

So it's clearly been a long time since I have posted a blog on here..mainly because I started using tumblr. But I feel like I might like this one more than that....we'll see...this is my blog i just posted very recently...

Maybe one worth reading :)

Oh life…I have caught myself saying that a lot lately…life life life…what is this life we are living? Who are we living it for? Anybody? I mean for myself I know WHO I’m living it for…God. But, when I sit back and do the self examination scripture tells us to do…am I satisfied? Is God satisfied? Man, to me that is pretty hard to drink in. This summer working at camp…I went in full on with so much joy to serve God along with the rest of the staff. However, it is SO easy to lose track of that…so easy to just get in the swing of .. I have to do it because this is my summer job. It’s still just a job. When I sat back to look at my life at the end of week 5(week 2 for that thing)…I was frustrated…sooo frustrated. I was hurt. I was burnt out. I was ready to be done. And why? Because I wasn’t in the word like I should have been. I was using excuses like I needed that extra sleep in the morning to get through that 8am-12am day…I’m so busy during the day I don’t have time to stop and do that. Those are 2 horrible excuses just so you know :) So that night at the end of That Thing’s week 2 I just got so fed up with how I had been acting all summer. So stuck in a stupid crush…stuck in trying to fit in with the rest of the staff…which meant going along their side gossiping…getting involved with the drama…whatever i could feed off of to just fit in. Yeah…that will just make you feel like hell in the end. I ended spending 3 hours with God and myself that night and the next morning..I woke up in the best attitude all summer. Who knew right? :) So of course I wanted to hate myself for not getting to that point with God before getting completely drained…emotionally…spritually..and physically…because let me tell you what..after an hour of running..and hour of walking and an hour in my car…there were definitely tears flowing at some points. It was much needed…let me just say..the last week of camp…was…amazing :) well if you have gotten to the point where you are still reading..umm..congratulations! however, I’m going to keep going because it’s something I need to get off my heart. I’m going to switch gears…something else on my heart…WHY? oh WHY? do we have to convince ourselves of things that are just silly dumb things to get our hearts set on….you know girls..like those crushes where we TOTALLY see us with that person but the guy TOTALLY doesn’t see it. I feel like i’m in that situation right now. You know..you talk all summer…you fall into the trap of having that crush…and then…you can’t get yourself out of it….and then after camp is over you come home to watch your favorite movies. A few of them for example: He’s just not that into you, 27 dresses, The Holiday, and Serendipity…ok you can put Camp Rock in there too :)… and of course after watching them over and over again before…they didn’t hit me like they do now. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m getting older..or the fact that i for once..legitimately really like this guy…i don’t know..but…all of their story lines are so similiar….and of course all end up the same way. the girl gets the guy. so of course that gets my hopes us..which is well…bad news bears…because i feel like it’s going to end up the same way…not happening. normally it’s…he likes another girl…he ends up being gay…he’s taken by another girl..or he just doesn’t date. well the last one is the problem with me…he doesn’t date. but even if he started to…i’d still have no chance. see before i keep rambling on about this…why do we do this to ourselves?  i won’t make the first move. ha. so whoever God has for me..they better have both of those qualities :) anywho…that was some kind of rant…ha. i think i might end this now. comment if you want. i think you can…i dont know how to use this thing really. haha.