Oh the day where I can fully understand and be able to live out Philippians 4:11-12...

" I have learned what it means to be content in all circumstances, whether with everything or with nothing."

I'm reading this book called Under the Overpass. It's about this guy who goes to church one sunday and here's a sermon about are you the christian you really say you are. And this guy is challenged so much by that ... so much that he decides to go homeless on the streets for 5 months with his friend. It's not like he just got up one day and said i'm going to be homeless. He studied it first. He worked in shelters and then finally...decided to be homeless. 5 months. 6 cities. Serving the Lord.

I wish I could explain it more..but I'm not far that far into it yet. But I can't seem to put it down so I'm sure I will have more to share on it very soon :D

Anyway, besides all that...I am sitting in a coffee shop right now drinking tea. And I keep forgetting my headphones....for a coffee house...their music selection kinda stinks :/ 

ha. have a wonderful dayyy. =]

so i no longer have the flu...which feels wonderful.

God is doing amazing things in my life and in the people's life around me. The new church building is absolutely beautiful and good things are happening.

Arbys is getting more and more fun but soon i will be out of there for the summer :D i cannot wait to get away for my summer job. it will be my third year at the camp and i'm so excited 

i will of course miss fort wayne a lot though :D 

anywho i dont know why i'm updating and rambling away..i think i might go watch the sandlot..

the flu sucks

:( 

i just want to get out and do something and go to work and make moneyyy so i can pay rent. body, please heal quickly :D

Phil Wickham. Beautiful.

I see Your face in every sunrise
The colors of the morning are inside Your eyes
The world awakens in the light of the day
I look up to the sky and say 
You’re beautiful

I see Your power in the moonlit night
Where planets are in motion and galaxies are bright
We are amazed in the light of the stars
It’s all proclaiming who You are
You’re beautiful, You're beautiful

I see you there hanging on a tree
You bled and then you died and then you rose again for me
Now you are sitting on Your heavenly throne
Soon we will be coming home
You’re beautiful, you're beautiful

When we arrive at eternity’s shore
Where death is just a memory and tears are no more
We’ll enter in as the wedding bells ring 
Your bride will come together and we’ll sing
You’re beautiful, You're beautiful, You're beautiful

I see Your face, You're beautiful, You're beautiful, You're beautiful
I see Your face, You're beautiful, You're beautiful, You're beautiful
I see Your face, I see Your face
I see Your face, You’re beautiful, You’re beautiful, You’re beautiful

so here it is...almost 2am. and i have been trying to sleep since midnight...and it's just not working out so great :D

i am hoping this blog makes sense..because although i can't sleep..i am still pretty darn tired.

so here's the thing...i need something new. i am tired of having the same routine almost everyday. wake up. go to work. come home. do whatever. and do whatever i have planned for the night [[ CRU. intervarsity. practice. salt..whatev]]..but i feel like every week is the same thing.

i want a new job. but i know i just need to be patient with the one i have now. and then...when God is ready for me to move on..he will give me another one..so i guess arbys will have to do for now. 

ha.

so i went to the church tonight to help...its looking great. still TOOONS of work to be done before sunday ... but i think it might get there...maybe not completely..but it will be decent enough to have service in..i hope :D 

so life is good.

pretty good.

i'm liking this whole not getting on facebook every night for hours. it really IS  helping me in my walk. getting in the word. getting in prayer. its amazing.

now if only it would get warm. because im motivated to go running! :D 

peace.

too lame to write my own...so i use songs...

Fire of God
Burn in me
Capture my heart again
Pull me through
Make me clean
I'm reaching for your love

Come carry me now
I'm crying out
For someone I can not see
Come carry me now
I'm crying

How I long to be broken
How I want to be near you
How my heart skips beats when
Your love accepts me as I am

Breath of God
Breathe on me
Hold me in your hands
Take my life
This offering
And use me where I am

Come carry me now
I'm crying out
For someone I can not see
Come carry me now
I'm crying

How I long to be broken
How I want to be near you
How my heart skips beats when
Your love accepts me as I am

How I long to be broken
How I want to be near you
How my heart skips beats when
Your love accepts me as I am

Come burn in me
Come burn in me
Come burn in me
Burn in me

--the Glorious Unseen "burn in me"

-------------------------------------------------

today was lame.

i went to work..came home. took a nap. and havent left since. 

but..i did have some amazing convos with people online. 

i got called off for tomorrow so day off. 

lame.

i hate days off.

i would love them if i didn't have bills.

i might go give plasma :D

ps...check out the glorious unseen ..... they are an amazing ambient/indie worship band

www.myspace.com/thegloriousunseen

i think facebook is much harder to give up than i thought.

liiike..i get the emails still...so i see most of whats goin on with my page...but it sucks not commenting back and stuff..

i have 55 notifications already.

ha.

oh man..

craaazyyy

soooo i worked from 12pm until 10pm tonight..

and i didn't realized that i worked at 7:30am tomorrow.

oh man.

=]

i wasen't able to help the church move today..

that makes me really sad.

but hey i'm gonna stop this blog and go get sleep :D

invisible...

Sometimes i over think things...

and right now...

i feel like i'm over thinking alot.

i just got back from a dinner with a lot of amazing people. 

i got there late so i sat at the end of the table..

and here's the thing...sometimes....i feel invisible. 

i feel like....i could spend a whole week with some of them..and none of them would say one word to me.

don't get me wrong..i'm not crying out for attention.

trust me on that one.

i just want to feel like i belong there.

I always overthink of how that girl is so cool...because that guy talks to her all the time...or....wow...i wish i could sing that good so people could compliment me. or man...if only i was....[[and yes..i'm going to say it]]..that beautiful.

i bring myself down a lot...and apparently tonight is one of those nights.

i want to fully believe that God has someone out there for me...i really do...but then i always overthink and look at a guy..and think..wow..i wish that was the guy God created for me...

I hate it. I really really hate it.

I wish i weren't so hard on myself..i really do...

I love life. But sometimes...i struggle....ok..a lot of times.

But on the bright side of life ... God is so good and so amazing. And I know the plan he has for me is better than i could ever think of...

but i just want to get to the point where i can say that without having any doubt...

one day.

I will be patient. In His timing..things will work out his way...not on my time.

:/ 

i dont know why i'm writing all this..i'm tired...and i just got home...and my mom wants me to do dishes..

seriously? :D 

peace readers.

So....Salt was good tonight.

i suck at connect 4 but somehow made it to the 3rd round...and the person i lost against won the entire thing. sad day.

but it was a good night. 

it was a ton of fun and probably the best salt i've had in awhile...

maybe because i'm feeling a little better about life. ha.

anywho. 

so tomorrow i'm not sure if i'm working in the morning or night. they said they would call me if i work in the morning. i really hope they do because if not...i work 1:30-9:30 ... and i have to miss the last church service in our current building before the big move. i will be pretty sad if that happens. :( 

i hate being home alone sometimes.

my mom has a 3rd shift job. 

and i get freaked out so easily because i am just that paranoid =]

sooo yeah. 

this is a random blog about nothing.

like usual.

night readers.

so its midnight.

and i'm on here.

i have to work at 8.

i really don't want to 

oh well...atleast i will be able to pay some of my bills.

:D 

peace readers.

Shawn McDonald-Open Me

Would You open up eyes, so I can see
Would You open up my ears, so I can hear
Would You open up my mind, so I can know
Would You open up my heart, so could love You more

I want to serve You, my God
I want to give everything
I want to serve You, my King, yeah
I want to serve You, my Lord
I want to give You everything, yeah

Here I am with my arms open wide
Asking for You to come up, up inside
Won't You make me new, won't You make me true
Jesus, won't You make me like You, oh

Will You touch my eyes so I can see
Will You touch my ears so I can hear
Will You touch my mind so I can know
Will You touch my heart so I can love You more

Won't You open me
Won't You open me, open me
Won't You open me, open me
Won't You open me, open me
Won't You open me, open me

----------------------------------------------

its been a good week.

and after that last post...i have been praying a lot.

sunday, the pastor gave a sermon on hope.

and that line in the last post just saying how i wanted to give up.

yeah, what was i thinking.

the sermon was almost a slap in the face.

and then the message at CRU last night and the message at InterVarsity last week...yeah....it's all coming back.

i am doing the whole lent thing...and i'm giving up facebook. its something that has consumed me so much. its taken over pretty much all my quiet time...and i just want to get back to where i was and continue to keep moving forward. 

God is good. 

so good. 

=]

just another day...

i want to give up.

pretty much on everything.

but i know...i can't ... i have to keep moving forward.

i want to choose the easy way out. the easier path. but i know the path that i need is the narrow one.[[matthew 7:13]]

ahhh. life is so damn crazy.

=/

anyway. i'm gong to go listen to 30 seconds to mars....go clean the rest of my room. finish unpacking. and then go to sleep. then...church in the morning. i..love...church. =]

And the feeling is back...

jfkls;fasfjf

i am no good at this life thing.

today i was trying to think about what life would be without God. Because of how i have been the last few weeks...life would honestly be hell without knowing there is a God who knows what I'm going through. Life would be hell if i didn't know there was this Satan dude trying knock me down because he knows I'm not strong enough to stand up for myself. I can't even think of not having a God there for me 24/7/365. I have been struggling with my confidence. A lot. Not fitting in. Not wanting to go to anything at church/InterVarsity/CRU...at all lately. But I go...and in the end it's a good time ..and then I just get home and I feel like crap again. I don't know. My friend Aimee had a talk with me tonight about it at worship team practice tonight. And one of the main lines that really caught my attention that she said was "Having no confidence is like having no confidence in Jesus Christ." I just sat there....it was kinda like a "whoa" moment. Like ... me? not having confidence in Jesus Christ???" NEVER! I didn't really know what to say to that. There is no way I want to live like that. 

So something's gotta change. Something's gotta be different. I want to be happy like i used to be. I want the joy that has been stolen from me from some evil dude. 

I dont know what to do.

I have a sick feeling in my stomach thinking about it.

So yesterday was amazing. I headed to the gas station before work and of course...just a few blocks away from it..i run out of gas. So i figured hmm..maybe I could just walk up there and get a gas can and put about a gallon in and then go fill up a little more. but no, i realized i had forgot my debit card. =/ So i sat there for about a half an hour(this was at 7:30am) and didn't know what to do. My phone is turned off again so I had no way to get ahold of my mom. But then i realized...my friend who is the president of intervarsity lives about a block away to where i was. so i walked there(leaving my car with the 4-ways on in the street about 3 feet from the curb :/) but she wasent up yet..so i walked back to my car. sat there..and tried to start it up again and that didnt work so about a half an hour later i walked to Jenn's house again and she answered and i used her phone..got ahold of my mom and she brought me a gas can and followed me to the gas station and filled my car up =] so that was fun..got to work an hour late. not so fun. so after work i donated plasma for the first time everrrr. it was about 3 hours. yeah. fun times. i had a needle in my arm for about 2 hours. ick. lol. but i plan on going back tomorrowwww. so CRU last night was amazing. it was on pride. i didn't realize how much i was struggling with that.. The construction for our new church building is going amazing! Worship night this sundayyy. And for the second sunday in a row i am missing church. Last week i worked at epworth for a retreat and this weekend is summit for intervarsity. i'm pretty excited. normally its in a hotel but this year its at a camp[[which will probably be much colder...and not a cool express elevator]] so yeah. thats how life is. =]

So I pretty much suck at this blogspot thing...

I keep getting sucked back into the xanga world. :D

But I will try and keep it up on here.

So my last post .. about that..hehe..well I have a car now! So life is a little better :D

I have been going to this thing called CRU and I'm making the most amazing friends through that. And church is going amazing as well. And Arbys well that sucks as usual hehe.

but yeah...i just got really tired. lame.

so last night i was talking to someone. and i realized i need to change some things about myself before i ever expect someone to like me. liiike. working out for one. :D ever since my senior year of high school i have def gotten out of shape and that makes me super not so confident about myself. buut yeah..i think i'm starting to get a little motivation to change things.

why am i writing this so comfortably on here..cuz i know no one reads it. :D

so lately i have had this mood. the mood that i hate. the cliche saying: "in a room full of crowded people and you feel all alone."

yeah thats me lately. i don't feel like i belong anywhere right now.
i dont feel like anyone wants to be my friend.
i just dont feel welcome.

i know thats not a good feeling. and i hate it. but i dont know what to do about it.

soo yeah.

so my friend beth came to fort wayne last week. i havent seen her since ball state. it was so good to see her. i missed her a lot. and then later in the week my friend joe came. that was pretty much amazing. i have missed him sooooo much. but now that i finally see him again since ball state....he leaves and it makes me miss him so much more. it sucks. :/

so new years was good.
i'm ready for a new year.
maybe a new change.
maybe i will stick with my goals.
goals. not resolutions.
resolutions are dumb.

anywho ... i'm just rambling away.

so i think i might just end this thing.

but before i go i must post a poem that was read to us in church sunday......

Road Not Taken. Robert Frost
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.